


say you won't let go

by buckydarling



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Jim in space, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Video Chats, these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 18:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10496850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckydarling/pseuds/buckydarling
Summary: Jim rolled his eyes on screen. “Aw, Bones, it’s not that bad. We’re still in Earth’s orbit, anyway. You’ve gone farther than this in shuttles before.”Leonard shifted uncomfortably and ran a hand through his hair. “Still makes me nervous,” he admitted. “You’re up there for a long time.” Jim shrugged nonchalantly.“Month and a half, ‘s all.” He smiled down at his lap, then looked back up, his eyes still shockingly blue even through the screen of the PADD. “I miss you, pal. Only drawback is space gets kinda lonely.”Leonard smiled wryly, reaching out and touching his index finger to the screen. Jim lined his up with Leonard’s. “You’ll do great,” he reassured Jim. “Won’t be as lonely on the Enterprise, right?”or: Jim goes to stay on the old International Space Station for an elective course at the Academy, telling Leonard he's got no reason to worry about him while he's gone. But, of course, as Murphy's Law states...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, yes. My second crack at McKirk as I avoid my pile of homework. Excellent.
> 
> I honestly don't know where this idea came from but!!! Enjoy!! 
> 
> Please note that I know absolutely nothing about:  
> -how a PADD works  
> -the ISS  
> -Space  
> -Whiskey sours  
> -regenerators or other star trek medical technology  
> -yeet
> 
> I am still relatively new to the Star Trek fandom so be kind to me :)

“Bones? You there?”

 

The connection crackled a bit, but then the pixels on Leonard’s screen righted themselves and he found himself staring at the face of his best friend. Jim broke out into a glowing smile.

 

“Bones! Aw, I knew you’d pick up, you liar.”

 

Leonard snorted, adjusting himself on his bed and tucking his feet underneath him. “Yeah, yeah, kid. Doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you.”

 

Jim made a little  _ pshaw  _ gesture. “Don’t be silly, you don’t miss me. Bet it’s a lot quieter around there with me up here.”  _ Too quiet,  _ Leonard thought to himself, but didn’t say. Instead he cleared his throat. 

 

“Yeah, it is kind of nice not having to monitor your sorry ass twenty-four-seven,” he replied, and Jim laughed softly. Leonard’s stomach flipped a little.  _ Stop that,  _ he chided it. “So, Jim, what’s it like up there in that great big black expanse of death?”

 

Jim rolled his eyes on screen. “Aw, Bones, it’s not that bad. We’re still in Earth’s orbit, anyway. You’ve gone farther than this in shuttles before.”

 

Leonard shifted uncomfortably and ran a hand through his hair. “Still makes me nervous,” he admitted. “You’re up there for a long time.” Jim shrugged nonchalantly. 

 

“Month and a half, ‘s all.” He smiled down at his lap, then looked back up, his eyes still shockingly blue even through the screen of the PADD. “I miss you, pal. Only drawback is space gets kinda lonely.”

 

Leonard smiled wryly, reaching out and touching his index finger to the screen. Jim lined his up with Leonard’s. “You’ll do great,” he reassured Jim. “Won’t be as lonely on the  _ Enterprise,  _ right?”

 

Jim split into a grin. “Hell no, it won’t! Bones, we passed her on the way up when Starfleet was dropping me off here, and she’s  _ gorgeous. _ ” He drummed his fingers on his knee. “She’ll be mine, someday. And you’re coming with me.”

 

Leonard laughed. “Pal, I love you, but not enough to follow you into space--”

 

‘I love you.’  _ Shit.  _ Had he really just said that out loud? There was a pause as Leonard looked up at the screen, and Jim looked like he was about to say something.

 

Then he shook his head. “I’ll convince you. If anything, I think you’ll just be too nervous to let me go without you.” Leonard laughed, relieved and, for some reason, a little guilty.

 

“Yeah,” he said, wringing his hands. “Sure, kid. Something like that.”

 

“Anyway,” Jim continued, softer, “we don’t have to think about that for a while. And I’m back in forty-three days.” 

 

Leonard nodded. “Forty-three days.”

 

+

 

Leonard was mixing a bowl of brownie batter in the cramped kitchenette when his PADD pinged with Jim’s familiar ringtone. (Something by… the Beastie Boys, maybe? Jim had set it himself, muttering something about Leonard needing to educate himself on classic rock.) Hurriedly wiping off one hand, he leaned the PADD up against a fruit bowl on the back of the counter and jabbed the screen to answer the call, straightening back up and adjusting his grip on the bowl as Jim’s face came into view.

 

“Hey, Jim!” Leonard greeted him. “How’s space?” He paused. “Goodness, that sounded lame.”

 

Jim laughed. “Space is pretty awesome, Bones. This place I’m staying used to be the International Space Station, and all this Starfleet tech is integrated into the structure of where the astronauts used to stay when they came up here, back in the 20th and 21st centuries.” He gazed around. “Some of it’s basically vintage. It’s awesome.”

 

“Oh?” Leonard inquired, raising an eyebrow. “What’s it like?”

 

Jim grimaced a little. “Honestly? Compared to Starfleet ships, it’s like living in a giant tin can.” Leonard laughed at his expression. “I love it, though,” Jim added. “Feel like John Glen, and those other astronauts I used to read about when I was a kid.” 

 

The corner of Leonard’s mouth quirked up as he started pouring the batter into a pan. “Well, pal, I’m glad you’re having fun up there.”  _ Without me.  _ “I just hope you’re being safe, and all that.”  _ I need you to come back to Earth in one piece, alive.  _ “It’d be really inconvenient for me if you died and I had to apply for a new roommate.”  _ I don’t know what I’d do without you. _

 

Jim laughed again on screen, the sound grainy but still familiar through the speakers. “Don’t worry, Bones. I’ll come back without a scratch.” Leonard barked out a laugh.

 

“Jim,   darlin’, you can’t make it out on a Saturday night without coming back with a black eye.” He flushed at the pet name that slipped out, but Jim didn’t seem to notice.

 

“Aw, Bonesy, but that’s because I’ve got you there to take care of me,” he replied. “Out here I just got me.”

 

Leonard jabbed a finger at the screen. “You’re damn right. Be careful.” He slid the brownies into the oven and sighed. “Thirty-seven days, kid.”

 

Jim nodded. “Thirty-seven days.”

 

+

 

Why in Federation Space Leonard had decided to take the night shift at Medical that weekend, he had no idea. He stumbled back into his dorm around seven in the morning, stripping out of his scrubs and reaching into a drawer for a pair of sweatpants. He needed to eat something, so he wandered into the kitchen and grabbed some leftovers from dinner, heating them up and then plopping down on the couch, crossing his legs to eat.

 

After exactly five minutes of peaceful silencce, Jim’s ringtone blared loudly. “Impeccable timing,” muttered Leonard, swiping to pick up and balancing the PADD on his knee, digging into his food again.

 

Jim’s image came onto the screen. “Heya, Bones - goodness, you look exhausted. I think your eye bags have eye bags.”

 

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “Thanks.” He sighed. “I’m fine, just took the long night shift at Medical this weekend, and a bunch of cadets came in with stupid injuries because they were fucking around in hand-to-hand combat training.” Jim snorted.

 

“Wow. I don’t think even I’m stupid enough to fuck around with swords.” He ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up in little tufts. Leonard resisted the urge to sigh a little, then mentally slapped himself for having the urge in the first place. Who could blame him, though? Jim had sleepy eyes and bedhead and a soft smile on his face, and Leonard felt about ready to melt into a puddle on the floor. Jim continued, “I kind of miss the sky. Everything here is black, all the time; I’m losing my sense of what time of day it is.”

 

Leonard raised an eyebrow. “Is it enough to make you wanna not go back again?”

 

Jim laughed. “Hell, no.” Leonard sighed.

 

“Worth a try, I suppose. Anyway, you’ll be just fine. It’s twenty-nine more days, right?”

 

Jim shrugged. “Almost twenty-eight. I’m over Australia right now.” Leonard watched as he leaned off screen to peer out of a porthole. “They’re having some nice weather. Not a cloud in the sky over Sydney.” 

 

Leonard snorted, glancing out the window of the dorm, where rain was beginning to fall. “Man, I wish. Storm’s coming later tonight, and it’s gonna drizzle all day.” Jim smiled.

“Well, at least you can sleep through it all, right, Bones?” he joked, eyes bright. Leonard smiled.

 

“Yep. Hibernate and wait for you to come back home.”

 

+

 

The bar was loud, colored lights flashing in the otherwise dim room and bass thumping as cadets and visitors alike mingled and danced. Leonard leaned on a tall table, swirling what he was pretty sure was a whiskey sour; Gaila had ordered for all of them, insisting she knew best. (She was right. Leonard wanted another one.)

 

Gaila sashayed back to the table, hips swaying, leaning on her elbows to prop her chin on her hands. “Having fun yet, doc?” she asked, winking playfully. He smiled wryly and looked around. 

 

“I don’t know about the atmosphere just yet,” he replied, “but I am loving whatever it is you got me at the bar.” Gaila grinned, her sharp canines instantly reminding Leonard of Jim. 

 

“Bartender’s take on a whiskey sour,” she said, pointing at his glass, and Leonard smirked. 

 

“Thought so.” Gaila turned to lean her back against the table, nursing a pale pink cocktail in a martini glass.

 

“Dancing not your thing, Dr. McCoy?” she inquired, watching Chapel and the others in their group jumping on the dance floor. Leonard gave an amused smile and shook his head.

 

“Nah, that’s Jim’s forte. I’m either the designated driver or the very reluctant wingman.” Gaila laughed musically, but her expression was a little sad. She patted his arm.

 

“He’ll come around eventually, you know. He’s just too blind to see it right now.” Leonard gave her a curious look.

 

“What?”

 

Gaila just winked and hopped back into the crowd of dancing patrons, and though Leonard had a guess as to what she was referring to, he allowed himself to deny it. He couldn’t get his hopes up.

 

His comm chimed the now-familiar Beastie Boys song, and he downed the last of his drink (his only one of the night, surprisingly) and walked outside to answer it.

 

“Hey, Jim,” he greeted his best friend, looking up at the stars. 

 

_ “Hey, Bones!”  _ Jim’s voice over the comm was ecstatic.  _ “You weren’t picking up on the PADD, I was a little worried.”  _ Bones hissed apologetically.

 

“Sorry, pal, forgot to let you know. Gaila dragged a bunch of us from Uncharted Anatomical Structure out to some new bar today.” He shoved a hand in his pocket and glanced back at the door. “I was making my exit soon anyway, they’re having fun dancing without me.”

 

Jim tutted.  _ “Aw, Bones, you gotta live a little without me.”  _ Leonard sighed.

 

“Jim, I have lived through two-and-a-half hours of loud music and one fantastic whiskey sour. I think that’s enough for one day.” Jim’s laugh was enough to steal Leonard’s breath away, even over the comm.

 

_ “Well, just be safe on your way back.”  _ Leonard rolled his eyes.

 

“You’re the one I should be admonishing about safety. Didn’t you go on a spacewalk today?”

 

Jim gasped.  _ “Bones, it was beautiful! I can’t even describe it. God, imagine how that’ll look from the bridge of the Enterprise. Every day, getting to see that view.” _

 

Leonard sighed, laughing a little. “Can’t wait for you to get that damn ship.”  _ Can’t wait until my courage finally comes back and I can tell you that I’d follow you anywhere.  _ “Till you finally stop talking about it.”  _ I’d follow you to the gates of Hell, of course I’m going to space with you.  _ “And, hey, the MedBay looks pretty nice.”  _ I don’t trust anyone else to look after you. I’m so in love with you it hurts. It scares me every day that you’re up there without me.  _

 

Jim let out an ecstatic yell.  _ “You’re gonna be my CMO!”  _ Leonard chuckled, holding the comm away from his ear a little.

 

“Calm down, Jim, I didn’t say anything about that.” He paused. “Maybe. That’s all you get. You get a maybe.”

 

Jim laughed.  _ “I’m going to space and I’m gonna captain the Enterprise, and my CMO is gonna be Leonard McCoy, legendary Starfleet doctor!”  _ Leonard smiled.

 

“Come home in seventeen days and we’ll talk, okay?”

 

Jim giggled.  _ “Seventeen days. I can’t wait to see you, Bones. I miss you so fucking much.” _

 

Leonard felt his throat clench up. “Miss you too, Jim. Miss you a lot.”

 

+

 

Leonard was tossing fitfully in his sleep when his PADD rang out, signalling a call from Jim. He pushed himself up and squinted at the clock; it was 0300.  _ Why on Earth is he calling now?  _ Leonard wondered, but he picked up all the same.

 

As the connection went through, Leonard found himself staring at Jim sitting in the dark, red lights flashing around him and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. “Hey, Bones,” he greeted him quietly. Leonard was trying not to panic.

 

“Jim?” he replied hoarsely. “What in the blazes is going on? Is everything okay?”

 

Jim nodded. “Yeah. There’s an asteroid cloud passing outside, and the station went into emergency mode.” He grinned a little wryly at Leonard’s horrified sputtering. “I’m fine. I just needed someone to talk to, that’s all.”

 

Leonard furrowed his brow. “That station’s equipped to deal with this sort of thing, right?” Jim nodded, but looked uncertain.

 

“Yeah, minor stuff. The astronauts didn’t deal with this on a regular basis. Anyway,” he continued, “the cloud isn’t too close; it was just close enough to trigger the station’s sensors, that’s it.”

 

Leonard wrapped himself in his blanket, ignoring the way his heart was racing a bit, and focused on Jim’s face. “You want to talk about something, pal?”

 

Jim gave a small smile. “Tell me a story?”

 

Leonard laughed a little and adjusted the PADD. “Alright. Once upon a time, at a faraway place called Starfleet Academy, a cadet named Jim Kirk walked into a bar.”

 

Jim laughed, and right then a huge noise erupted from the pad, and the picture fritzed, pixelating and going fuzzy. Leonard jumped, holding the PADD up. “Jim?” he asked, his voice frantic. “Jim, are you there?”

 

The picture glitched in and out as Jim picked up the PADD, which had apparently fallen on the floor. His face looked panicked. “Bones, I gotta go, I think something just hit the station, I gotta contact Admin before I lose any antennae.” He focused his intense blue eyes on Leonard’s. “I’ll be careful, okay?”

 

Leonard felt himself panicking. “Jim, you better come back to me, I swear to god, you’re only supposed to be up there for five more days--”

 

The connection was becoming fuzzier and Jim’s face was going in and out of view. “Bones, I - tell you --- Bones--”

 

The connection failed, and Leonard was left sitting there on the bed with a blank screen full of static, desperately trying not to have a panic attack.

 

He threw on shoes and a hoodie and sprinted the twenty minute-dash across campus to Pike’s office in his pajamas, bursting in rather unceremoniously on a meeting of Starfleet officers. Pike sat at his desk, his face grave. 

 

“McCoy, come in. Officers, he’s fine, he can be here.” The men and women around the room nodded and resumed their work, leaning over devices and talking frantically to each other. Leonard marched up to Pike’s desk, still breathing heavily.

 

“What happened to Jim? Is he alright? He’s not hurt, is he? Are you--” Pike held up a hand. 

 

“McCoy, please. Slow down, you’re going to make yourself pass out.” He gestured to a chair by his desk. “Sit down and I’ll give you the situation.”

 

Leonard plopped down in the chair, rubbing his temples. Pike leaned on the desk.

 

“Around thirty minutes ago, as the station was passing over Saudi Arabia, an asteroid cloud came close to the station. We had eyes on it, but it was out of projectile range and the situation looked safe.” He sighed. “An unexpected shift in the movements of the cloud caused it to change direction by a few degrees, and the whole cloud shifted.” He paused. “As of two minutes ago, three moderately-sized asteroids have collided with the space station, enough to bring it into the cloud while still spinning in Earth’s orbit.” Leonard groaned and put his head in his hands.

 

“How’s Jim?” he whispered, almost afraid to ask.

 

Pike’s mouth was set in a grim line. “We lost contact with the ISS when the second asteroid hit. It knocked out the primary antenna.” Leonard’s shoulders started to shake, and he felt Pike hesitate before patting him on the shoulder.

 

“We have a team of experts working to bring the ISS back right now,” he said. “I’m gonna bring Jim Kirk back safe if it’s the last thing I do.

 

Leonard clenched his fingers together. “It was only five more days,” he choked, and Pike nodded sadly.

 

“I know, son. I know.”

 

+

 

Gaila handed Leonard a steaming mug of tea, moving to sit on the couch next to him. She rubbed his arm comfortingly. “They’re going to get him back, Leonard. It’ll be okay.”

He stared at the wall ahead, his hands shaking around the mug. 

 

“I’m in love with him,” he whispered, and Gaila nodded. “I can’t get my head around it. I’m in love with him and I can’t comprehend a reality where he’s gone.” Leonard looked at her. “I can’t do it. I can’t do anything without him. This past month has been hell for me.” 

 

She furrowed her brow in concern, then wrapped her arms around him. “It’s going to be okay. He’s a survivor.”

 

Leonard shook his head. “Four more days, now, and I would have him back.”

 

+

 

He was lying in bed, making a futile attempt at sleeping when his comm pinged. He reached out without sitting up and answered. “Hello?” he muttered, his voice scratchy from disuse.

 

_ “McCoy? It’s Admiral Pike,”  _ came the voice from the comm. Leonard sat up in bed so fast his vision blurred.

 

“Admiral Pike? Sir, anything--”

 

Pike’s voice cut him off.  _ “They’ve got the ISS. They’re bringing him back right now. McCoy,”  _ he continued, his voice low,  _ “I’m warning you, he’s pretty banged up. There’s a chance he..”  _ Pike sighed.  _ “He might not make it.”  _ Leonard let out a strangled noise.  _ No. No this is not happening please let me wake up from this. _

 

“Sir, please, let me see him, I know his records, I can help him--”

 

Pike cut him off again.  _ “McCoy, there’s nothing you can do at this point. They’re doing all they can, but it’s up to him to pull through. We can’t help him any more than we already are.” _ Leonard gritted his teeth, tears escaping onto his cheeks. 

 

_ “Le-- Mccoy. One more thing,” _ Pike added.  _ “While the space station was under fire and his PADD still had charge, Jim recorded messages via the camera, and most of them are addressed to you. I’m sending the link to your PADD.”  _ Pike’s voice softened.  _ “He’s a fighter, Jim is. He’ll pull through. I believe that.” _ The comm went dead, and Leonard’s PADD pinged on the side table. Sniffling a little, he picked it up and curled up on Jim’s bed instead of his own. The thumbnail for the first video was Jim’s face, illuminated in the dark by the light from the screen.

 

Leonard clicked on it and turned up the volume.

 

+

 

**to-bones-1.mov.padd recorded 06.02 03:23 hours**

“Bones. Hey, Bones.” Jim ran a hand through his hair. “God, what a mess. The station’s lost all power. So, according to my display, this PADD is going to run out of battery in approximately ten hours and thirteen minutes if I use it nonstop.” Jim sighed. “Better make the best of it, huh? I need to talk out loud, or I’ll go crazy. So I’ll talk to you.”

 

The camera jostled as Jim shifted on his bed. “I know you’re never gonna see these anyway. By the way,” he added, “I still do have to maintain this tin can to the best of my ability. So these vids aren’t gonna be long.” He paused. “Why am I telling you that? Not like it matters. I’m talking to myself.” He shut his eyes, letting his head fall back and taking a deep breath. “Whew.” 

 

A noise echoed from somewhere in the space station, and Jim cursed under his breath. “Damn piece of junk. Gotta go.”

 

+

 

**to-bones-2.mov.padd recorded 06.02 07:45 hours**

“Alright, hopefully the PADD will stay balanced there while I work, right?” Jim leaned down over the counter, his finger poking at the screen. “I have to fix up some of the wiring on the oxygen filtration system; I’m gonna see if I can rewire it to last longer than originally intended.” He poked at a sparking piece of hardware in front of him with a thin tool. “Ugh. Man, I wish you were here with me, Bones. You’re so much better at complaining than I am.” He paused. “And at metaphors. Maybe a metaphor would make my situation seem more positive.” He sighed, laughing a little wetly. “It’s all so fucked up, Bones,” he said, almost a whisper. “I just wanna come home.”

 

The station rumbled, and the PADD fell over. “Shit,” muttered Jim, picking it up. “Gotta go figure out what that was. Kirk out.”

 

+

 

**to-bones-3.mov.padd recorded 06.02 14:09 hours**

“Man, it’s dark in here.” Jim was drifting in the zero-gravity through a dark hallway, the PADD recording in his hand as he propelled himself along. “I gotta go find my emergency space suit, in case the hull is compromised,” he explained. He laughed a little to himself. “That’s such an odd word for the fuckery that’s happening right now. Like you always said, Bones, one crack in the hull…”

 

He pulled himself up and floated into another tunnel. “You’d hate the zero-gravity, Bones. Your stomach feels funny for the first few days, like you’re permanently stuck on the first drop in a roller coaster.” He grinned. “Hey, there’s a metaphor for you. It’s almost like you’re here with me.”

 

He huffed. “Man, I miss you. You’re my best friend. Not even… I don’t know how to describe it. You’re just… you’re so important, Bones, okay? You’re, like, the most important thing to me. Like, ever. You know how hard it was for me to accept this course and come up here?” 

 

He was quiet for a long time. “I was so scared, Bones. I put on all that bravado, but I can’t do jack shit without you.” He sniffed a little and rubbed his eye furiously. “That’s why I was so pushy about the CMO thing. If you don’t come into space with me with Starfleet someday, I might go crazy.” 

 

Jim sighed. “Getting pretty emotional for a guy who’s by himself in space, talking to a dying PADD.” He laughed under his breath as he emerged into a wide room. “Alrighty, Bones-the-Diary, I gotta put on my space suit like a good little astronaut. Talk later.”

 

+

 

**to-bones-4.mov.padd recorded 06.03 05:37 hours**

“Hey, Bones,” Jim said, out of breath. His face was littered with scrapes and a sheen of sweat. “I haven’t been on this thing since yesterday. The only thing I use it for is talking, anyway; connection to Starfleet is impossible. All the antennae are gone from the ISS. So I’m trying to save the battery on this until the last possible moment.”

 

He sighed. “It’s been rough, Bones. The station’s really banged up, and I’m really banged up, and I’m probably going to run out of oxygen in the next few days.” He wrung his hands together, biting his bottom lip until it turned white. His voice was quiet. “Bones, I’m so scared,” he whispered. “I’m scared for me, and I’m scared for you. I’m scared about a lot of things.”

 

Jim’s voice was barely audible. “I’m gonna die up here, just like my dad. ‘Cept I’m not saving anyone. I can’t even save me.” His voice broke, and his shoulders shook as he folded inward, sobs racking his body. “I can’t let that be my legacy, Bones,” he choked out. “I can’t have come this far only to be a fucking shadow of my father.” The emergency lights of the ship hummed as Jim sat in silence.

 

“Bones,” he finally said, “if I don’t come back, take care of yourself, okay? And make sure they remember me in a good way. No memorials.” He shook his head. “Jim Kirk is a lot of things, but he ain’t no hero.”

 

The ISS rattled, and he gave a shuddering sigh. “What’s the point. Kirk out.”

 

+

 

**to-bones-5.mov.padd recorded 06.03 07:54 hours**

 

“Hi, Bones. I think this place is nearing the end.” The camera barely caught Jim’s face; he was lying on his back on his mattress, which he’d dragged into the main area, in his full spacesuit gear. “I had to move my mattress. An asteroid smashed in the wall of my living quarters, like a kid stepping on a soda can. Nothing’s cracked, but it’s strained. This can isn’t gonna last much longer. I’m running out of oxygen.” He threw an arm over his face. “And there’s literally nothing else I can do. Unless I gain superhuman strength and decide to kick the walls back into shape.” He gave a halfhearted chuckle. “I feel like that’d be a Bones-ey superpower. You’d probably just kick me, though.”

 

He sat up. “I’m gonna die here, Bones. I know that.” He shook his head. “Didn’t think I’d take it this well, if I’m being honest with myself. I’ve just cried a lot.” He sighed. 

 

“I have a lot of regrets, Bones,” he started, “but everything I’ve ever fucked up with you might be the biggest one.” He leaned forward, his head hanging between his knees, eyes squeezed shut. “Damn.” he shook his head. “I don’t know why it’s so scary, saying it out loud. You’re not even here.”

 

It was silent for a long time.

 

“I’m in love with you,” Jim whispered. 

 

“I have been for a long time. God,” he laughed wetly, “I can’t believe I never fucking did anything about it.” He looked at the camera, his eyes shining and electric blue. “I am so fucking head over heels in love with you and I was too chicken to ever tell you, and now I’m about to die in a glorified tin can in outer space, and I’ve lost all my chances.” He wiped his eyes. 

 

“Do me a favor, Bones - Leonard - okay? When I’m gone, don’t go crazy. It sounds cliche, but please go out and live your life.” He sighed, looking up. “Ironic, isn’t it? All your curmudgeonly fears of space, and you ended up being right.” He gave a sad smile. “James T. Kirk’ll never be captain of the Enterprise, and Jim will never tell the only person he’s ever been in love with how he really felt.” The ISS started shaking and didn’t stop, and Jim squeezed his eyes shut, then picked up the PADD.

 

“Maybe they’ll find this, huh? Maybe you’ll know, someday.” He looked around. “I’ll keep it safe.”

 

He locked his eyes on the camera. “I love you, Bones. You gotta know how much I love you.” He gave a wry smile, a pipe falling from the ceiling behind him as the station continued to shudder. 

 

“Kirk out.”

 

+

 

Leonard dropped the PADD to the floor, trying to remember how to breathe.

 

Jim was in love with him. Jim had been up there in space, alone and terrified and convinced he was going to die, and he had been in love with Leonard with no idea that he loved him back. Leonard inhaled shakily, curling up around Jim’s blankets and trying to absorb his faint scent, sobs shaking his body.

 

Leonard didn’t remember when he’d fallen in love with his best friend. It had been a natural progression, of sorts; Jim had just slowly woven himself into Leonard’s life until suddenly he’d looked around and realized that Jim was-

 

Well, Jim was everything.

 

There had been one day. They were walking back from the library, during exams, and it was late at night, and even though they were both exhausted and stressed, Jim had insisted they stop in the middle of the quad and look at the stars. Even in the dark, sitting there on the grass, Jim’s eyes had been shining.

 

“I’ll be up there someday, Bones,” he said. And Leonard’s heart had tightened as he’d looked at his friend’s soft smile, tightened at the thought of Jim leaving him for outer space, and in that moment everything had fallen past the point of no return, and Leonard was in love, and nothing would ever be quite the same again.

 

He curled up tightly in JIm’s bed, another sob escaping him. 

 

_ You gotta pull through, Jim. I can’t do this without you. I know you said I had to but I can’t.  _

_ Please. _

 

_ Not now that I know. _

 

Leonard’s comm beeped. He reached for it, held it up to his ear. “Hello?” he mumbled.

 

PIke’s voice sounded in his ear.  _ “Jim’s back on planet. They’ve got him over at Medical, and they said he’s stable.”  _ Pike breathed out long and slow.  _ “I think he’s going to make it.”  _ Leonard let out a strangled sob of relief.

 

“Oh, thank god,” he gasped, falling back and running a hand through his hair. His emotions were running haywire. “Can I see him?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.

 

_ “Yeah, they cleared him about an hour ago. I wanted to wait until his condition stabilized a little more to tell you,”  _ Pike responded.  _ “He’s asleep, but knowing Jim, he won’t be for long. And god knows he needs it.”  _ Leonard heard him sigh over the comm.  _ “People will direct you to his room, but you know your way around Medical. You’ll be fine.”  _ Leonard nodded, then remembered Pike couldn’t see him.

 

“Thank you, sir,” he said in a rush, then hung up the call and scrambled to stuff his feet into sneakers.

 

+

 

Starfleet Medical was colder at night; Leonard had an extra sweatshirt with him, gripped in his arms as he navigated the halls. During the day, they were so familiar to him; hell, he could practically navigate them with his eyes closed. But the idea that Jim was here, here for something other than a few scrapes and bruises from a barfight, somehow warped the halls of the hospital for Leonard. Everything felt foreign. It was Jim who didn’t belong here, was the odd one out, but Leonard was beginning to understand it; that his world so revolved around Jim that it could make a place like Medical seem terrifying and unfamiliar.

 

A nurse recognized him as he came into the correct ward, waving him forward. “He’s asleep now; the regen finished it’s work about an hour ago.” She pointed towards a door slightly ajar, the corner of a bed just visible from the hallway. “You can go in and see him, but he’ll probably be asleep for a few more hours.” She smiled gently as Leonard nodded, quietly pushing his way into the room and letting out a shaky breath.

 

Jim was lying on the bed, hands at his sides, his face more peaceful than Leonard had ever seen it. The regenerator had done its work well, but Jim’s face was still littered with bruises and scrapes, and there was a bandage wrapped around his wrist. Leonard placed the sweatshirt gently on the foot of the bed and sat down in the chair next to Jim, reaching out and gently trailing his fingers along JIm’s jawline. Jim let out a little sigh, but didn’t stir.

 

Leonard looked down and, after a moment of hesitation, took Jim’s hand. It was warm, and alive, and somehow, it reassured him.

 

Still holding Jim’s hand, Leonard laid his head down on the mattress and closed his eyes. 

 

+

 

…”Bones?”

 

Leonard sleepily blinked open his eyes, lifting his head up off the mattress, where Jim’s fingers were still laced with his. He looked up and locked eyes with a pair of bright blue irises he thought he’d never see again, and he swore the wind was knocked out of him.

 

Jim gave a small smile, eyes shining. “Good to see you again.”

 

Letting out a small cry, Leonard pushed himself up and practically tackled Jim in a tight hug, wrapping his arms around Jim’s neck. He buried his face in his shoulder, making an attempt to not cry for the umpteenth time. “Hi, Jim,” he said thickly, breathing in his familiar scent. Jim laughed quietly, his arms coming to wrap around Leonard’s waist, and he let out a little sigh. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” They stayed like that for a long time, rocking back and forth a little, Leonard closing his eyes, the fact still registering with him that Jim was here, and he was alive--

 

\--and then Leonard remembered the videos, and suddenly he couldn’t wait any longer. He pulled back, his arms still loosely around Jim’s shoulders. Jim smiled at him.

 

“What’s up, Bones?” His face softened. “I missed you.” Leonard’s heart clenched a little.

 

“Jim,” he said, “when they recovered the ISS, they sent me a file from your PADD. Bunch of videos with my name on them.”

 

Jim’s expression morphed into one of panic. “Oh, fuck! I didn’t think they’d find the PADD, I thought it’d be dead, Bones, I’m sorry, I --” Jim swallowed. “I get it if, like, you need a break, or it’s weird for you,” he said, his voice quiet, avoiding eye contact with Leonard. “I didn’t think you’d ever see them, I was scared, I--”

 

_ Oh, Christ.  _ Fed up, Leonard grabbed Jim’s face in both hands and kissed him.

 

Leonard had spent more time than he was willing to admit thinking about what it would be like kissing his best friend; everything he’d ever imagined paled in comparison to the real thing. Jim’s mouth was warm and soft, stubble scratching slightly from when he hadn’t shaved. Jim let out a small noise of surprise before surging forward, kissing Leonard back with the same stubborn determination with which he did everything else in his life. Leonard framed Jim’s face with his hands, fingers brushing the soft hair at the nape of his neck as he angled his head, deepening the kiss until both of them broke apart, flushed and short of breath. Leonard met Jim’s eyes and smiled, suddenly feeling shy.

 

“That’s the truth, kid,” he said, his arms still draped around Jim’s neck. Jim grinned, and it was like the sun had broken through the windows. He leaned in, gently bumping their foreheads together.

  
“Hell, yeah,” he whispered, tilting his head to kiss Leonard again.

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it, my dudes!
> 
> Like the story? Whack that kudos button!
> 
> Questions, comments, praise, or anon hate? The comments section is free for you to utilize!
> 
> Find me on tumblr, floundering in the trash as always: stevetrevvors


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